My cousin asked me a question back in July, and I've been thinking about it ever since. In fact, I've probably been thinking about it all my adult life, and, to be frank, I'm not entirely sure I've got an answer to it.
"Hey, K, is it worth it?". "What?". "Having kids. Is it worth it?". "I'm not sure." I think I said, or 'maybe, it's complicated' or 'who knows?'... all answers I'd have blurted out in shock at being asked such a direct and powerful question.
So. Having considered it for some time now, how do I answer the question? With trepidation. If I were an economist doing a cost-benefit analysis on whether having children was worth it, I'd have to say no, probably not. In a strict how much does it cost question we have to include the financial costs, the physical costs and the emotional costs.
Financially, the costs can be severe, but not actually as much as some newspapers report, and not if you take a common sense approach to providing for your offspring. In my opinion, baby doesn't need to have everything/anything new. Baby doesn't know or care if the clothes come from a charity shop, so long as they're clean, and baby doesn't know a mothercare buggy from a bugaboo, phil&jane, or hand-me-down, so long as it's safe.
The cost of raising a child is directly proportional to the influence marketing has on unimaginative and time pressed parents (who buy/spend to make up for not spending time with the child/working long hours), and the competitive element which is evident at the creche/nursery/school gates. Obviously if splashing out on buying the 'best' for your child gives you pleasure, then by all means, go ahead, knock yourself out. You're only putting money in the pockets of the businessman.
The one thing your child craves more than anything else is your time, because in their eyes, time equals love. If you haven't the time, or aren't really prepared to make the time, then maybe you're not ready, nor will ever be ready to be a parent.
Physically, the costs can also be severe. Assuming you're blessed with a baby which is 'normal', the physical toll will still be immense. Pregnancy issues aside, the early days with your bundle of joy can be the most demanding time you'll ever experience. Sleep deprivation is recognised as a form of torture, and most new parents will suffer from this to a greater or lesser extent. Tactically, is it better to let the mother get on with it, so the father (assuming he's on the scene) can perform at work (assuming he chooses to go to work), or do you share the load and have two knackered parents which puts a strain on the relationship? Or will this shared torture make them stronger together?
Emotionally, the costs depend on how engaged you are with the child. The (all consuming) worry when they have their first illness, their next and subsequent illness, their innoculations, their knees scraped, their confidence knocked or bolstered... Their first everything, their tears, their tantrums, their behaviour, good or bad, their eye contact, their smile, their scowl, tears, jokes, tantrums, boy/girlfriend, broken heart, mended heart, burnt fingers - literally and metaphorically - their joy, their achievements, their life.
But. A cost-benefit analysis suggests you get something in return. There must be some benefit to having children, or why would we do it? Biology suggests we have the imperative to reproduce, and indeed this is a great force to be reckoned with.
I reckoned with it for a long time. In as much as in my twenties I swore I'd never have children. They cramp your style. They spoil your life - there's no freedom, no spontanity - if you have children you need a babysitter. A pension. Life insurance. A house. A mortgage. A car. Responsibility... You have to grow up yourself. Where's the fun in that? I'd rather have fun myself.
And yet. There are some people out there who are obviously 'meant' to have children. I wasn't one of them, until I hit 34 and my biological clock started to ring. Very loudly. And we had Phoebe. And when we'd got over the shock of her, 5 years, and one miscarriage later, we had Tom.
And having a daughter was such a shock, such a life jolting moment, such an immense joy that you don't question the cost. You don't ask 'is it worth it?' (well, maybe at 2am when the baby doesn't sleep, or 2am when the teenager's still out at night). You're just completely absolutely wholeheartedly one hundred percent in love, and from that moment on it doesn't stop.
The most powerful thing I know is the love I feel for my children. And is that worth it? Yes. Question answered.
"Hey, K, is it worth it?". "What?". "Having kids. Is it worth it?". "I'm not sure." I think I said, or 'maybe, it's complicated' or 'who knows?'... all answers I'd have blurted out in shock at being asked such a direct and powerful question.
So. Having considered it for some time now, how do I answer the question? With trepidation. If I were an economist doing a cost-benefit analysis on whether having children was worth it, I'd have to say no, probably not. In a strict how much does it cost question we have to include the financial costs, the physical costs and the emotional costs.
Financially, the costs can be severe, but not actually as much as some newspapers report, and not if you take a common sense approach to providing for your offspring. In my opinion, baby doesn't need to have everything/anything new. Baby doesn't know or care if the clothes come from a charity shop, so long as they're clean, and baby doesn't know a mothercare buggy from a bugaboo, phil&jane, or hand-me-down, so long as it's safe.
The cost of raising a child is directly proportional to the influence marketing has on unimaginative and time pressed parents (who buy/spend to make up for not spending time with the child/working long hours), and the competitive element which is evident at the creche/nursery/school gates. Obviously if splashing out on buying the 'best' for your child gives you pleasure, then by all means, go ahead, knock yourself out. You're only putting money in the pockets of the businessman.
The one thing your child craves more than anything else is your time, because in their eyes, time equals love. If you haven't the time, or aren't really prepared to make the time, then maybe you're not ready, nor will ever be ready to be a parent.
Physically, the costs can also be severe. Assuming you're blessed with a baby which is 'normal', the physical toll will still be immense. Pregnancy issues aside, the early days with your bundle of joy can be the most demanding time you'll ever experience. Sleep deprivation is recognised as a form of torture, and most new parents will suffer from this to a greater or lesser extent. Tactically, is it better to let the mother get on with it, so the father (assuming he's on the scene) can perform at work (assuming he chooses to go to work), or do you share the load and have two knackered parents which puts a strain on the relationship? Or will this shared torture make them stronger together?
Emotionally, the costs depend on how engaged you are with the child. The (all consuming) worry when they have their first illness, their next and subsequent illness, their innoculations, their knees scraped, their confidence knocked or bolstered... Their first everything, their tears, their tantrums, their behaviour, good or bad, their eye contact, their smile, their scowl, tears, jokes, tantrums, boy/girlfriend, broken heart, mended heart, burnt fingers - literally and metaphorically - their joy, their achievements, their life.
But. A cost-benefit analysis suggests you get something in return. There must be some benefit to having children, or why would we do it? Biology suggests we have the imperative to reproduce, and indeed this is a great force to be reckoned with.
I reckoned with it for a long time. In as much as in my twenties I swore I'd never have children. They cramp your style. They spoil your life - there's no freedom, no spontanity - if you have children you need a babysitter. A pension. Life insurance. A house. A mortgage. A car. Responsibility... You have to grow up yourself. Where's the fun in that? I'd rather have fun myself.
And yet. There are some people out there who are obviously 'meant' to have children. I wasn't one of them, until I hit 34 and my biological clock started to ring. Very loudly. And we had Phoebe. And when we'd got over the shock of her, 5 years, and one miscarriage later, we had Tom.
And having a daughter was such a shock, such a life jolting moment, such an immense joy that you don't question the cost. You don't ask 'is it worth it?' (well, maybe at 2am when the baby doesn't sleep, or 2am when the teenager's still out at night). You're just completely absolutely wholeheartedly one hundred percent in love, and from that moment on it doesn't stop.
The most powerful thing I know is the love I feel for my children. And is that worth it? Yes. Question answered.
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